Today is the day after a week of blurry, nauseating, head-spinning, stomach churning tornado of anxiety. It’s also the day after I handed in my resignation letter to a job I started three weeks ago.
Today is two days after I had a long talk with my boss about how passionless I felt in a job that I thought was meant to be..in a job I thought was a ray of shining hope after a long year and a half of disappointment and heart breaking realizations.
Today is three days after I sat for hours crying wondering where my place was in this world, wondering what was wrong with me, wondering why I couldn’t seem to catch a break, wondering why this cookie-cutter mold of “success” didn’t fit right and no matter how many times I had a refitting, an adjustment, a realignment, it still didn’t fit.
Today is four days after I asked my husband what my problem was, and he replied, “Your problem is that you don’t want to be a slave”.
So what do I do now. I couldn’t stand to sit in traffic for hours, sit behind a desk, sit at meetings…eat, sleep, complain, repeat. I went from being so proud that I was actually “adulting”, to so miserable that this was what “adulting” meant. I wanted a job where I could make an impact, and more so see the impact I was making, and I felt like the biggest, weirdest, most confused elephant in the room. So I did what any “millennial” would – I googled to see who else was feeling like I was *please tell me I’m not alone*, and I found this article: Why Millennials want government jobs (and then quit them). And I said to myself “holy crap! this author must be my spirit animal”. Obviously this was the only explanation for an article written a year ago to speak to me in such a way.
Moving on, I’m thinking to myself, what’s my message… #makeyourownway
That’s my mantra moving on, after a year of postgrad applications waiting for others to accept me, scholarship applications waiting for others to help me, job application waiting on others to see my worth – I think I’ve had enough. Make your own way is what I have to tell myself so I don’t go mad. The fear of failing, fear of not living up to my true potential, fear of running out of money, fear of being ridiculed, fear of being judged…all these are things I battle with every single day and to get through it I must convince myself that placing one metaphorical (and literal) foot in front of the other is worth it.
I am worth it.