Coming Down with a Case of the “What-Ifs”

Today I’ve just got one of those feelings I can’t shake. Today is just one of those days when I’ve got an annoying swarm of “what-ifs” following me around..they’ve replaced my shadow.

What if all the great things that happened this year didn’t each and every time crash and burn in front of my eyes. What if I didn’t have to let go of so many dreams. What if I didn’t have to pick myself up and move on after multiple psychological hit-and-runs, because they never happened in the first place. What if I just….succeeded. What if I got one of those scholarships I applied for. What if at this very moment I was in a different country, able to go to one of those amazing universities I was accepted to. What would I be doing, how would I be feeling. Would I have grown as a person? Would I feel more fulfilled? Would I have reached some point of self realization that I otherwise would not have obtained? What if this year hadn’t been such a train wreck…what if…

I made a number of my failures public this year (not intentionally of course). From July 1st, 2014 to this present moment has been, in the truest sense, the definition of a series of unfortunate events. Not simply because bad things happened, but because said unfortunate events came directly after something wonderful did. Hence, the unintentional publicity of my downfalls. It literally went like this,

Me: “Omg hey everyone, look at this amazing thing that’s just happened!”

Everyone: “Wow that’s awesome, we knew you could do it!”

…after some time

Me: “Omg hey everyone, remember that thing we were excited about a while back…yeh – never mind”

This pattern held true for the last year and some months resulting in by far the most erratic, mood-swingy, anxiety ridden periods of my life. I’ve reached a point though where I prefer to share my failures as well as my achievements, mainly because I realize that many people go through hardships but never make it known to the world. So what happens is that everyone suffers in silence, and worst, everyone suffers in solitude. Of all the supportive messages I’ve gotten about this blog, the ones that mean the most to me are the “Omg, me too” ones…I just want people to know that sh!t happens, and you know what, you’re not alone…

In the spirit of full disclosure, I’ll tell the internet something today, that I haven’t told much people. The biggest mistake I made this year, was becoming too emotionally invested in a “maybe”. When I first decided that I was going to pursue postgraduate studies in education I never in my wildest dream thought I’d get into two top universities in the U.S. The day I got the rejection letter from my last hope for a scholarship I was sitting at my computer using Google Maps to “walk around” the cities of those universities, checking out nearby stores, eateries etc like I was already living there. How embarrassing.

My week went like this: Monday I was awarded an assistantship position at the university, which meant I could pay rent and support my daily expenses using my savings. Wednesday, I found a great apartment in my budget and arranged everything with my prospective roommate. Friday I received my last scholarship application decision came in and it was a big fat “no” – I had no way of paying tuition. The following Tuesday was my 22nd birthday, marking exactly 1 year since I started this ridiculous journey.

So there we go….what if…

I don’t really have much answers. I know people say “everything happens for a reason” and “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” etc etc, but I can’t make sense of that yet. I’m still digesting what hasn’t killed me, I’m still waiting for that reason that will explain all things unfortunate.

I guess what I’m getting at is today is just one of those days when it’s not so easy to put the past away.

(photo credit)

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