Looking Inward: Thinking about My Thoughts

No matter what I achieve, how far I get in life, the heights I’m able to reach and the success I gain, there is always that lingering habit of comparing myself to others. The job I have, my finances , how my time is spent – there is always this feeling that none of it is valid, or worthwhile unless I can measure it up to what someone else is doing and gauge my “success” off of that. There’s always that feeling at the back of my mind, that somehow what other are doing, and who these “others” are, is better than what I’m doing and who I am.

That’s real talk. That’s the truth. That’s the reality – and something tells me that I’m not alone in feeling that way.

Maybe a part of me is trying to prove something to myself rather than others. Or maybe it’s the “others” that I’m trying to prove something to because for some reason no matter what I do, feeling good about myself and my actions just isn’t enough. Why is it that so many times, when I (we) achieve something great, I (we) feel wonderful about it but I’d (we’d) feel better if someone else praised me (us), valuated what was done and note its worth. Who am I kidding – maybe it is just me who feels this way.

I most definitely have a problem and looking inward, I’m pretty sure what I’m describing occurs because of one major reason: my insecurities about not falling into the norm – this is both liberating and stressful for me.

I’m not doing something traditional, and no matter how much I tell myself that it is the right thing there’s still a major part of me that wishes that I had a regular job, could fall into a regular work week, and collect a regular salary at the end of the month. And I’ve spoken about this in past blogs…So many of my past classmates and people who I interact with every day seem so normal compared to me. Why can’t I shake this feeling?

Of course that being said I’m not the most abnormal person that existed in life…and my “problems” and insecurities are basic when compared to what other people go through. Why am I so concerned that other people understand what I’m doing, that I’m not wasting time, or relaxing or lazy. More often than not what we project onto others, and interpret as their feelings toward us, is what we actually feel about ourselves, deep down inside. What does that say about what I feel about myself…

Constantly not seeing myself as enough is something I’ve struggled with for my whole life – and it’s a problem. Every day is a challenge fighting off the voices that tell me that I’m no good, that others are better than me, and that maybe if I fell into the norm, my life would mean more. Some days they creep in during a random quiet moment, sometimes these thoughts linger for the entire day, consuming motivation, willpower and rational thought. That’s what being human is I guess. Our entire life is propelled by the fear of not measuring up to the rest, not making an impact or leaving a legacy, not succeeding by other’s standards.

This is just me introspecting and thinking critically about my thoughts. As funny as that sounds without that I cannot improve or grow stronger. Some of my thoughts break me down – I’ve said it before, I’m my own hardest critic. So how to I stop comparing myself, how to I feel good about myself (period), when will I reach a point in my life where I don’t add “but” to the end of my achievement – when will I stop throwing stones at my own reflection?

(photo credit)

 

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